As a young political science student, I had to spend a lot of time in college learning about the American political system. The topic most covered… the ignorance of the American public. It didn’t matter if something was right or wrong. All that mattered is what the public wants. So if I am a Congressman from the 3rd District of South Carolina and my constituents want every 2nd Wednesday of the month to be “Beat the Living Shit Out of a Minority Day”, then there is a school of political thought that tells me that I had best get my secretary (who is probably having sex with me on the side) to start drafting said legislation. Why? Because I want to get re-elected so I can continue to have sex with my secretary (which technically could be considered government sponsored prostitution). In the world of politics, good and evil are all just moot points.
After 4 years of college, I grew frustrated. The public, ignorant of the world around them, would even have the audacity to go into the voting booth on Election Day and vote what is called a “straight party ticket”. That means that to vote, all a lazy American has to do is vote Republican or Democrat. Every candidate assigned to that party would be voted for. Adolf Hitler could be on the ballot and if he were a Republican (which I am sure he would be), then I could guarantee you that 33% of the Deep South would vote for him and not even realize it. We are dealing with a political process that allows dead people to vote. For those out there who have the intelligence to beat a grapefruit at a game of chess, you can even find a away to vote more than once. No one checks! No one cares! The voting process in Iraq is more secure!!! I think the voting process for American Idol is more secure! Hell, while we are at it, I could promise you that more people care about voting for American Idol then they care about who our next president is going to be. Well… maybe they will care after they have voted me into the White House!
So… I present to you, the intelligent and knowledgeable public, the PLAN FOR A BETTER AMERICA!
At the age of 18, every American would be required to take a test. This test would be set up like the SATs, except easier and without the analogy bullshit that the rest of us had to deal with. Your role in society would be based on how well (or poorly) you perform on this test. The test would be based on 500 possible points. Scoring would be broken down as follows:
Score 500-101: CONGRATULATIONS!!! You get to live! And even better, you get to live a worry-free normal life. You can pick almost any job that you would want (except President… remember, I have that one). You can also have children with someone of equal or greater intelligence. This way, we can start to guarantee that the American genetic code is actually getting progressive better. Again, congratulations on being a functioning member of society. Here is your certificate of not-sucking and two free hockey tickets (intelligent people are more likely to enjoy sports of skill… like hockey).
Score 100-51: Um… ya… Not a good day for you. On the plus side, you get to live. That is good… right? Because of your less than stellar test scores, the government is even going to find a job for you. You get to spend the rest of your life sewing soccer balls at what we will call a government “FUN CAMP”. This way, you will be removed from the rest of functioning society but can take care of the jobs that no one else wants. It is a win-win… except for you. The government is also going to remove your reproductive organs to ensure that you cannot reproduce. Your genetic code is of no use to us in our better America.
Score 50-0: I am sorry, but you are too ignorant and stupid to be a functioning member of society. For the safety of everyone around you, we are going to have to kill you. It really is in the best interest of society as a whole. No hard feelings or anything… you just didn’t make it.
One more thing… if you can name 5 NASCAR drivers (it will be asked on the test), you will automatically fail. Sorry, but there is no need for that in our new America.
So yes… this all might seem very harsh, cruel, and unfair. You might be calling the Department of Homeland Security right now to report me as a possible threat. Here is the best part about it. In the American political system that I described earlier, I can actually campaign on this plan and win an election. If I tell everyone that I am going to get rid of all of the idiots in America, everyone will vote for me. Why? Because everyone is too stupid to realize that they themselves are the idiots. The guy who cut me off on the highway is the idiot. The person at Taco Bell who couldn’t get my order straight is the idiot. I am not the idiot. Well, I am sorry America… you are the idiot and without you, this country would be a much better place.